That’s it.

Like today, exactly one year ago, the love story with Tabby came to an end.

It’s peculiar how it happened. We have been loving each other like mad, we have been so utterly happy, and all of a sudden so many things come down tumbling.

It was december the second, and it was right after midnight that day when I wrote the first desperate message to a friend; many others followed, even though I knew they wouldn’t be read for many hours. It felt like screaming in the void, but I had to do it.

I also had time to buy a ticket to fly home, and the word “home” sounded so strange when I thought that it wasn’t Copenhagen. The ticket was for saturday the 4th, 2 days from now, and a lot of things happened in the meanwhile.

We both had our lives changed that night; I am not sure how she lived it but god knows if it did hit me hard.

I won’t get into details, but nothing would let think what was coming. And I am usually very aware of signals.

I can remember it as if it was yesterday: a long sleepless night, the emails sent, the knowledge of having lost a great love, and along, the chance of a better life gone in the span of one hour. That life I had hoped for for years, without knowing it existed. That life that, once found, I have fought for keepin’. And ultimately, one of the best girls I met in my life.
All, lost.

I remember at some point in the night, around 3 or 4am, I decided to do a thing I never did before: going to pay a visit to the huge park in front of our house. A thick snowy layer on the ground and utter silence reigned; and a moon, strangely not obscured by clouds, was spreading light everywhere and it looked like daylight. The crispy sound of my steps on the fresh snow were like offending that peace. So I stopped but stayed for a long time there.
I needed peace.
I reckon I don’t have it yet, not even now. But I like to think about that moment of complete solitude, yet close home; at least it was still home, even though for not so long.

I got back, wrote some more mails and at some point I felt overwhelmed and fell asleep. I think I remember Tabby putting a blanket on me early in the morning, before going at work.

The following day, december the 3rd, was some nightmare. I was drunk with sleeplessness but still, I needed to prepare my luggage. Choosing what to bring was the hardest part. My life was there, and whatever I’d choose, I knew something important of my life wasn’t going to be with me. It’s strange how one gets attached to things when they can’t have the person they crave to have close.

In the afternoon Tabby came home and, from then on, we had some of the best moments in our life together. That is, absolutely ordinary moments, but they seemed great even though they were belonging to something that was -already- gone.

We had a nice dinner, then we sat down for a movie, that we didn’t finish to watch as none of us slept a lot the night before, and eventually we went to bed.

But every single minute was precious.

Saturday morning, the 4th, we stayed in bed, hugging each other, and telling, or trying to remember to each other, the happiest moments we lived together. Like when we went at the aquapark, the funny moments in our long trips to Italy by car, the silly arguments at the mall, the italian vacations, or one of the best presents I ever received, that is a 2-days stay on the moen island to see the chalk rock cliffs.
Or simply, that time that we put on the xmas decorations, just a few days before. Sounds absurd, even to me, but that morning in bed was such a happy moment for the both of us!
And that hours were well spent, because we needed to be sure about our memories, about remembering every single detail, about our need to remember how happy we had been.

Then the time for leaving came, and I left.
She was on the door, waving me off. It happened too quickly for both, to understand how big that thing was.

I have been in Denmark again later, living in our very house, fixing things in the house as if nothing happened, but things were different. Today is the day, the anniversary of something that ended for good exactly one year ago.
And right as then, I can’t get my sleep..

At this point I am not that sure to heal.

I went for a walk tonight.
I didn’t see that park.
I didn’t see any.
I didn’t see the snow.
I didn’t hear the silence.
I miss her voice.

Somebody, please, forgive me for my mistakes.
And give me peace.

Like in many other countries, and I’m not talking about the third world, in Denmark there was a monopolist managing the wiring and communications, some sort of nordic Telekom. It’s teleKom because for the danes, you know, “C”s are for sissies.

However, changing names simply doesn’t do the trick; using more sophisticated, english-sounding, youth-friendly names helps only to get the picture of a decrepit face with a cheap lift job. But they tried, of course, so the old Telekom-whatever ISP is called YouSee, and if you want to have an internet connection, there’s just no escape.

Knowing what happens under this point of view in my homeland, I made a point in keeping quiet and not complaining, but lately things just went from bad to worst. My background made me way tolerant; despite that, they got me pissed, so I don’t really want to know how danish people feel, used to higher standards but forced to bear this kind of service whatsoever.
You see, YouSee is the typical ex-monopolist service and it feels like the counterpart are still users -as they were used to be- and not yet customers; a monopolist, given the users’ lack of options, just doesn’t give a rat’s ass. Supply and Demand, it’s that simple.
Frequent interruptions of service is the least that can happen; also high latency spikes, that is a no-go for some kinds of TCP connections that need a steady ground.

So, when it happens, you call. Get in queue, wait, grow bored, and once they answer the problem’s gone, and the Miss happily tweets “Sorry sir, my terminal says everything’s fine, have the best day ever, goodbye” CLICK. Sometimes it happens that the Miss’ name is Erik, a descendant of a proud Viking dinasty; he tweets also, but doesn’t sound as good.
Too bad terminals don’t have a memory of what happened before. Better, I’m sure they have, just why taking the trouble to go check the recent history; it’s you, the user, a mythomaniac sicko seeing things that nobody else can, and of course a complete idiot around IT and computer sciences, that might have called just because a website took 2 seconds longer to load. So, why bother?
In order to be completely honest, though, it happened once that they answered while the problem was still standing; therefore the tweeting thing “certified it” -in a way-; put things in motion and ordered the efficient techmongers army to deploy. Days later (yes, days; I said “efficient”, not “fast”) a very kind and professional technician knocks the door, extracts his fine machineries then checks plugs, cables, line to the central node, environmental interferences, checks also the water, gas and poop pipes just to be sure, ends up like “everything’s fine”; he then gathers that it has to be the modem and changes it for free (well, it’s theirs). Problem Solved, officially.
In the real world instead, the situation hasn’t changed an inch.

So, sadly, this is the state of the art; the monopoly ceased, however the effects didn’t desist. As far as I know, the last mile, that few hundred yards of copper, is a thing that other companies -living in the third millennium free market- crave to get the rights to use, or buy. Unfortunately, as it comes, they will be really free to get them with no questions asked, only prying them from Telekom’s stiff dead fingers. And it ain’t gonna be soon.

Nevertheless, there are some happy areas where you can access services from other ISPs; those so lucky to benefit from it are usually very satisfied, and they say it out loud.
I hope we are gonna be happy as well soon. In fact, we are moving, and it looks like the new house is right inside one of the happy spots. I really can’t wait.

And now I’m gonna post this.. if I’m still online :)

Farewell time:

— YouSee, See You! —

..much, much later!


Tech Addendum
if somebody from YouSee reads this, I want to say a big thumbs up for changing the person or team responsible for the configuration of the DHCP servers. About time, after 3 years it looks like they work now.

Good Job,
Good Job.